Book Review

BIOGRAPHICAL ENTRY

Chapman, Gary and Shuler, Clarence, Life-Changing Cross-Cultural Friendships, Grand Rapids: Zondervan Books & Urban Ministries, Inc., and Harper-Collins Christian Publishing, 2022, 145 pp.

BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF AUTHOR

Chapman, Gary has a passion for helping people form lasting relationships. He is the author of the #1 bestselling Five Love Languages series and director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. For more information, visit his website: www.5lovelanguages.com.

Shuler, Clarence is the president and CEO of BLR: Building Lasting Relationships. Clarence is a counselor, a speaker, a diversity consultant, and the author of ten books. He and his wife, Brenda, reside in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and have three adult daughters. For more information, visit www.clarenceshuler.com.

SUMMARY OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION: “What If We Became Friends?” The authors were born into a two-parent family. They were loved and felt secure. Both lived in segregated cultures; going to segregated schools and churches. Most Americans have casual acquaintances with people of other races, but they have no deep personal friendships. The goal of this book is to help us to develop true friendships with people of different races and cultures.

CHAPTER 1: “An Unexpected Friendship.” Clarence lived in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. The civil rights act had passed in 1964, but little changed in relationships between Blacks and whites. Schools and churches were still largely segregated. In 1971 the Supreme Court mandated integration of schools. Clarence and his best friend Russell were invited to a white church by white girls. His family initially objected, but his mother later convinced the family that they could go. They were given precautions on how to conduct themselves. Clarence and Russell continued with the white children for two years. At a church retreat Clarence gave his life to Christ and he begins to experience changes in his life.

CHAPTER 2: “Different Levels of Friendship.” The authors list three types of encounters—Invisible encounters are encounters in which we are aware of the presence of others, but we do not see them. In courteous encounters there are brief acknowledgments of those of a different race, but we never even learn their names. Socially expected encounters take places in halls of our places of employment. We speak to each other, but we establish no relationships. After a prefriendship encounter we become acquaintances until difficult times come. There are different types of friendships—situational, professional, mentoring, cross-cultural mentoring, and close personal friendships. It is possible that friendships can progressively development from one type to another.

CHAPTER 3: “Friendships Begins with Courtesy and Patience.” Friendship begins with courtesy which means to be friendly minded—to treat others as you would treat a friend. By nature, all of us are self-centered, but love focuses on the well-being of others. Conflict can make you closer if it is handled correctly. Because of forced integration Clarence went to a white high school. His academic, athletic, and social communities were simultaneously destroyed. People from different cultures learn and process information differently. Building friendships tears down walls one block at a time. It takes patient to get to know people from different cultures, but by being courteous to others we can change the emotional climate of race in our country.

CHAPTER 4: “FRIENDS Love Each Other.” Love in a cross-cultural friendship begins with an attitude and then expresses itself in behavior. Cross-cultural friendships model the love of Jesus, and it requires that we have the love of God in our hearts by opening our hearts to the Holy Spirit. Our emotions may hinder our opening ourselves to people. We acknowledge our emotions, but we do not allow them to control our behavior. Jesus modeled cross-cultural love by His conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well. When the world sees Christians sincerely loving across racial and cultural lines many people will be drawn to the one who loved them enough to die for them.

CHAPTER 5: “Friends Apologize and Forgive Each Other.” Cross-cultural friendships may be prevented because of different expectations in different cultures. There can be no long term healthy relationships without apology and forgiveness. In cross-cultural communication we may be using the same words but be speaking a totally different language. Apologizing and forgiveness allows relationships to move to another level. Apology alone does not restore a friendship. Forgiveness is the only response that removes the barrier created by the offense.

CHAPTER 6: “Friends Are Not Colorblind.” Clarence addresses the often heard statement: I’m colorblind. I don’t see color.” We are not all the same. The goal is not uniformity, but unity in Christ Jesus. The creative process of God was one of diversity. The Holy Spirit gives a diversity of gifts. Everything brings glory to God. The human body and the body of Christ consist of many parts and each part is necessary and vital to the whole body. With love we can avoid negative responses to those who claim colorblindness. We can offer a different perspective.

CHAPTER 7: “Friends Disagree Agreeably.” To avoid conflict is to avoid reality. True friends disagree and force each other to be honest. We learn from each other when we hurt each other. Cross-culture conflicts arise when the same words are used with different meanings; different cultures respond to disagreement or conflict differently; Different cultures approach the same issue from a different perspective. We must learn these differences and acknowledge their validity.

CHAPTER 8: “Friends Are friends Forever.” Someone has to take that first step to develop a cross-cultural friendship. Cross racial friendships cannot happen until we are in physical proximity. When you disciple someone, the relationship is a lifelong commitment. Most of us wrestle with prejudice, but it becomes less feasible when we develop cross-cultural friendships.

CHAPTER 9: “Will You Accept Our cross-Cultural Friendship Challenge”? Jesus gave His disciples the challenge to make disciples of people of every nation (Matthew 28:18-20). It is clear that we are to include people of other races in our relationships. Not all conversations will lead to a friendship, but no friendship will ever develop without that initial conversation. Many white people feel guilty about the past racial relationships in our country, but they do not know what to do. Blacks are often unaware of white people’s true thoughts and feelings on the matter. Christians must take the lead in developing cross-cultural friendships to the glory of God.

CRITICAL EVALUATION

In this book Gary and Clarence share their story of their initial encounter and the process of how they courtesy and kindness to each other developed into a lifetime relationship. In the initial chapters the authors focused on explaining the problem of racial differences and told how being obedient to Christ’s command to love opened the door for them to enter into a friendly relationship. As they came to know each other better this relationship developed into a lifelong cross-cultural friendship. As I continued to read this book, I became increasingly aware that skin color is not the only problem for our racial differences. In reality, it is because all of us have failed to live up to God’s plan from the beginning in His design of creation

Diversity was the pattern in creation, and diversity is the plan for our relationship. When diversity is used in negative ways—ungodly ways problems are the results. When diversity is used in positive ways the goal and outcome of our relationship will bring glory to God. Although the authors never quoted Jesus, this book follows the two great commandments of Jesus in Matthew 22:37-40 to love God and love your neighbor as yourself.

This book shows that cross-cultural friendships are possible when we first learn to develop friendships within our own racial/cultural setting. Once we learn to solve the differences within our own community we become open to the ideas of solving our problems with people of other races and cultures.

I recommend this book to anyone and everyone that wants to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. I believe that a healthy and accurate understanding of Jesus and His mission will lead us to follow His example of diversity for the glory of God.