Forgiveness or Grudges

Matthew 6:5-15

I receive an email from my sister. In the message she comments about the racial unrest in America today. After mentioning some of the problems as she understands them she makes the following comment: “It seems to me that some Black folk are holding grudges for not only for what is happening today, but also, for things that happened 300 years ago.” In this article I want to address the issue of unforgiveness. I believe that forgiving others is a subject that the church should address more. We will discuss how not forgiving others affect our relationships, our health, and our progress in life.

Before we get into forgiveness and unforgiveness let us briefly look at the word “grudge.” According to the American Heritage Dictionary, Second College Edition, 1982, the word “grudge” is defined as a deep―seated feeling of resentment or rancor.” Now, I need to look at this definition more closely because I am not sure that I know what the word “rancor” means. Again, the American Heritage Dictionary tells me that the word “rancor” means, bitter, long lasting resentment: ill will. The word “resentment” means indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined offense. Now, I have not found it hard to find many of the descendants of African American slaves that have these feelings. I believe that these feelings are natural and are to be expected. However, we need to think about how grudges affect our lives. The words of Jesus teach us that forgiving others and ourselves have a more positive and promising effect on our lives.

In Matthew 6:5-15 we read the Lord’s Prayer. In verse twelve we are to ask the Lord to “forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors” (NASB). Immediately, we can see that Jesus connects our forgiving others to receiving forgiveness from others is to be a way of life for the Disciples of Christ. Then the NASB records verses 14-15 saying, “‘for if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. “But if you do not forgive others, then your heavenly Father will not forgive your transgressions.’” Did you get that? Maybe we should read it again. Receiving the Father’s forgiveness is determined by our willingness to forgive others. I wonder, when was the last time you read these two verses and when was the last time you heard them discussed in your church? Could it be that a lot of our suffering today is because of our unforgiveness of others? Are we suffering more because we hold grudges?

Are we aware of the words of Jesus that tell us to “love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Lk. 6:27-28). Again Jesus speaks and He says, ‘“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? “If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect’” (Matt. 5:43-48, NASB). When Jesus speaks these words, He is instructing Jews to love their enemies the Romans that rule over them and treated them harshly. Do these words seem harsh and maybe unreasonable? Is it unreasonable for today’s descendents of African American slaves to forgive their ancestors slave owners and their descendants today? If there is no forgiveness how can the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. become a reality? He dreamed of the day when all of God’s children little black boys and little black girls would sit down at the table together with little white boys and little white girls. King dreamed of a day when sons and daughters of slaves and sons and daughters of slave owners would become brothers and sisters. I ask can the dream come true if there are only grudges and no forgiveness? Now, let us consider the effects of unforgiveness.

First, unforgiveness affects our relationships. Jesus tells us that we place a barrier between us and God when we do not forgive others. Regardless of what one does to us we are to have the same attitude towards them that God has towards us. By nature, we are all sinners, alienated from God and under the penalty of death. The good news is that God’s good will towards us overcame His desire to punish us. This is because God’s love empowers Him to send His Son Jesus to be our Savior by dying a vicarious death in our stead. Because Jesus died the Father forgives our sins. With our sins forgiven we are reconciled to the Father.

When we do not forgive others we are unable to establish a relationship with the offender. Forgiveness does not require that I like you and your cultural ways. Forgiveness means that you have made peace with the pain, and you are ready to let go. We do not forgive to do something for someone else. Rather, we forgive others to help ourselves. When we do not forgive others it is like being tied down. It’s like being held in prison. When we forgive others we lose the ties that bind us. We open the doors of the prison that holds us. I often wonder how many people are unable to establish healthy relationships with people who love them because they are still holding grudges. This is sad because when we do not forgive we are hurting ourselves; not the offender who often times have gone on with their lives, and they are happy.

Joyce Myers is familiar with pain and forgiveness. She was sexually abused by her father from age three to age eighteen. Joyce has a thriving ministry today. She is married and has a very supportive husband. Joyce will tell you that she had to learn to forgive her father in order to build her relationship with her husband. Joyce says, “It’s hard to hate one person but love another. It’s hard to treat anybody right when our heart isn’t right. Even people you want to love may be suffering from your bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness.”

Secondly, unforgiveness has negative effects on our health. Research at institutions like John Hopkins Medical Center has shown that chronic anger affects the heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response. These changes increase the risk of depression, heart disease, and diabetes and other health conditions. On the other hand when we forgive we calm stress levels, improving our health.

Thirdly, when we do not forgive we hinder our progress in life. Many people are destroying their own lives because they refuse to forgive. We forgive others to free ourselves from the hate, pain, resentment and anger that harm us more than it harms the offender. Forgiveness allows us to move from the past to living in the present. We are no longer bound by the need to get revenge. When we do not forgive others it is hard for us to forgive ourselves. We begin to focus more on our failures than we do on our successes. Our lives become a burden. Our energy is used up on thinking about the bad things that have taken place in our life. Unable to move forward we compound the burdens and our well being is deteriorating every day. When we forgive we have improved relationships, decreased anxiety and stress, lower blood pressure, lower risk of depression, and stronger immune, and heart health. How can we learn to forgive others and ourselves?

First, we must yield ourselves to the Holy Spirit. Love is the fruit of the Spirit. It has been said and it is true, “only love can conquer hate.” We must decide to let God work in the life of the offender as well as our own life. “For we know Him who said, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay.’ And again, ‘the Lord will judge His people’” (Heb. 10:30, NASB). We must have faith and we must pray. Faith and prayer go together. ‘“Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you. “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive your transgressions. “But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions”’ (Mk.11:24-26, NASB).

Let us return to the statement by my sister at the beginning of this article. Some are holding grudges for things that happened 300 years ago. Since we cannot move forward if we hold grudges, we keep ourselves in the prison that held us in slavery 300 years ago. Do you really want to move forward? Learn to forgive so that God can release you from your prison and take you to a place not yet imagined