Forgive: An Antidote for Bitterness

Matthew 6:12-15; 18:21-35

I am talking to a woman whose son had been killed. His girlfriend killed him by stabbing him with a knife. Whether it was self defense or murder is yet to be determined. She tells me that her sisters tell her about some of their friend’s response to the killing. These friends made statements like, “Don’t you just hate her?” The woman says, I can’t hate her or then I would become bitter.” I tell her that I am glad that she feels this way because if she becomes bitter it might negatively affect her relationship with people that are important to her. Bitterness can negatively affect her marriage.

A few days later I receive a telephone call from a young man that is seeking financial partners who will support him in his ministry. He knows my daughter and she had suggested that he talk to me. He introduces himself telling me his name, and he states that he is calling me because of a conversation he had with my daughter. He states his purpose for the telephone call. He wants to tell me some things about himself. He says, “I’ve lived with a lot of bitterness, but I’m learning to overcome it.” Both the woman and the young man seem to understand that it is important that they do not live with bitterness. This article draws upon these two conversations.

The young man tells me that he has been talking with some of the men in his ministry group about his bitterness. They have helped him tremendously. I suggest to him that he might want to start by simply forgiving the people that hurt him since this is possibly the genesis of his bitterness. I suggest that we start with the model prayer that Jesus taught His disciples in Matthew 6:9-13. In the prayer Jesus says, ‘“And forgive our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors’” (v. 12, NASB). At the end of the prayer Matthew records a commentary that emphasizes why it is necessary to forgive others. It says; ‘“For if you forgive others for their transgressions then your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ‘But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions’” (vv. 14-15). These words are instructions that Jesus gives as he teaches the people in His sermon known as the Sermon on the Mountain (Matt. 5-7).

Later, in chapter eighteen Peter asks Jesus how often he should forgive his brother that sin against him, “Up to seven times” (18:21). Jesus responds by telling Peter that he should forgive “up to seventy times seven” (v. 22). Then, Jesus tells a parable to illustrate His teaching. Now that we have Jesus’ teaching on forgiveness, how does this relate to bitterness? First, what is bitterness?

Bitterness is a discomfort to the mind. It is a harsh feeling that is difficult or distasteful to accept. It is having animosity toward others. Bitterness results from or expresses severe grief, anguish, or disappointment. This is enough to make one sick, and we will look at this from a health perspective later. We experience bitterness when we allow the transgressions of others to occupy our minds. Initially, we become angry. We allow our anger to become the focus of our thinking and our actions. We need an antidote to prevent our anger, grief, and disappointments from turning into bitterness. Bitterness destroys relationships. Forgiveness is an antidote for the emotions and mindset that grows into bitterness.

In the parable Jesus builds on a principle of Christian relationships. Christian relationships have three parties. They are you, me, and God. Too often Christians try to leave God out of the situation leaving it a situation with only two parties, you and me. This is a violation of the two great commandments that Jesus gives in Matthew 22:35-40. The first command is to love God. The second command is to love neighbor. We cannot separate these commands. We cannot hold to one and at the same time omit the other. We must follow the lead of the Father. The Father forgives you and me, and we forgive each other. The purpose of forgiving one another is to maintain unity among the citizens in the kingdom of God.

Forgiving others is not natural to the carnal mind. Rather, anger and revenge are our initial responses. How do I get even with you? Better still, how do I pay you back? What can I do to you so that I can be sure that you will not hurt me again? What actions are permitted? In His teaching Jesus recites the Law found in the Old Testament. Jesus says, ‘“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on the right check, turn the other to him also” (5:39). What does Jesus mean when He says “turn the other to him also?” Are we supposed to invite the aggressor to slap us a second time? Jesus tells us not to resist the evil person. Do not look to get even. Do not seek revenge. Our attitude is to be like the attitude of the Father. How often do we ask the Father to forgive our sins?

How does forgiveness benefit relationships? Forgiving others means that I will not hold it against you. I will bear the pain. I will bear the burden. I will suffer the loss. Why should I do this? Tell me why I should not make you pay. The answer is simple. It is the message of the Gospel. Jesus bore our sins on the cross and died in our place. In Jesus’ crucifixion God bears the pain. God does not require us to pay. God accepts the loss. God forgives us and there are no harsh feelings. There is no desire to make us pay. Revenge is far from God’s mind. When our minds are filled with the desire to get back at others there is no room for us to experience the forgiveness that God offers us.

When we forgive others it allows us to separate ourselves from the situation at hand. It sets us free so that we can focus on the future. As Jesus hangs on the cross, He prays, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Lk. 23:34, NASB). On the cross Jesus forgives those who beat Him and are crucifying Him because he is humbling Himself to the will of God. He is looking forward to the day of His exaltation in the New Heaven and New Earth (Phil. 2:5-11; Heb. 1:3-4).

Forgiving others allows us to move forward in our life. We are able to move forward when our focus is no longer on the past but on the future. Forgiving others allows us to reach for new and better goals. Paul writes, “Forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13-14, NASB).

Earlier, I stated that the refusal to forgive others may lead to health problems. This has been studied by people in the mental health disciplines. We have seen that bitterness causes harsh and negative emotions. These emotions and mindsets are stressors. These stressors contribute to high blood pressure and the release of harmful hormones in the body. High blood pressure is a leading contributor for heart disease, heart attacks, and strokes. The release of certain hormones can contribute to elevated blood sugar levels and diabetes. All of these physical ailments affect our mind and our emotions. Together, they have the potential for affecting our relationships with God and other people. In conclusion, when we forgive others we inject into ourselves an antidote for bitterness.