Book Review: Boundaries

Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1992. 302 pp.

Summary of Contents

Boundaries conveys a powerful message by addressing critical issues within the Christian community when dealing with boundaries. Cloud and Townsend challenges us, the readers, to look at how we set limits with other people and ourselves. They also address how our boundaries or lack thereof affects how we interact with others and our relationship with God.

The book is broken up into three major parts. Part one deals with the basics of boundaries, as the authors help us to identify what they are. The first chapter opens with a scenario, detailing a day in the life with no boundaries. The person portrayed is clearly miserable and resentful, while it seems on the surface that they are living a “good” Christian life. The rest of part one dives into what a life without boundaries looks like, why this occurs, as well as beginning to debunk some common myths about boundaries. The authors go into great detail about some of the problems surrounding these myths and how some of our misconstrued understandings of scripture can be a common cause of developing poor boundaries. They also provide a psychological perspective, as they introduce concepts of how human development, family environment, and certain life experiences play a huge role in boundary development.

The second part of the book deals with boundary conflicts. The authors go into greater depth of how boundaries play a role in our every day life. They cover typical aspects including family, friends, marriage, children, work, ones self, and most importantly God. While each aspect presents its own set of challenges, there is a common thread that is clearly seen throughout of why and how developing healthy boundaries are essential to healthy living.

The third part of the book discusses how we can develop healthy boundaries and apply everything that was covered in previous chapters. The authors include methods, in which we can measure our success with boundaries, as well as identifying resisting factors that come with the struggles we may face when putting these concepts into practice. The book concludes with bringing us full circle, by giving us a picture of a day in the life with healthy boundaries. The authors continue with the same character from the beginning, as we see that person’s progress and sense of hope being instilled.

Critical Evaluation

Throughout this book, one can be expected to be taken on a journey. The authors do an excellent job of introducing a scenario that is familiar and universal to many Christians today. They address misconceptions of setting limits with other people and the guilt that comes with it. It is often assumed that since Christians are called to be loving towards others, that boundaries cannot be established. Boundaries are seen as something negative or selfish, and this is clearly seen in the first chapter through the scenario’s depiction. While one might see that the person in the scenario seems to be striving to live a selfless life, it is painfully obvious that this person is not living a fulfilled, joyful life. This contradicts what God wants for us as Christians. While the first scenario ends with a sense of hopelessness, the authors continue to take us on a journey to discover what is wrong with these misconceptions, how we came to these conclusions, and how we are able to turn things around for the better.

Essentially, a brand new perspective on how our perception of boundaries in our lives can affect how we relate with others is to be gained from reading this book. It also provides an in depth scope of how our boundary developments often reflect how we view ourselves and how we view our relationship with God. The authors provide excellent references to real-life examples from former clients through their practice as therapists, giving us the comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our struggles with boundaries. They also are able to back up their conclusions with scripture, providing a clear and concise Christian point of view. There is a nice balance of conveying the psychological and spiritual aspects, and recognizing that both are equally important in forming healthy relationships with others. Aside from healthy interactions with others, the authors take the time to examine how we view ourselves and how our life experiences shape those perceptions. They take the time to examine how certain aspects of life can cause us to be damaged, preventing us from having a healthy outlook on boundaries. Yet, they offer solutions that lead to inner healing and development of something better. Most importantly, the authors guide us to where God fits into all of this, as they essentially introduce a fresh perspective on His overall character and His boundaries with us.

This book can benefit any and all people, as there is something in there for everyone. As previously stated, the second part of the book dives into various topics and scenarios. Regardless of where one is on their journey of life, there is something that everyone can grasp onto. Even if a specific chapter does not apply to a specific person right now, these concepts can be good preparation for when the time comes to reach that certain milestone. For example, one might be reading this book as a single college student, and may only identify with the chapters on “Boundaries with Family” or “Boundaries with Friends”. However, those chapters on spouses and children should not be ignored, as they all interconnect with one another and can be tools for if and/or when that person becomes a spouse or a parent.

Ultimately, from reading this book, we gain a new appreciation for ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we relate to God. I have personally found that grasping the concepts presented in this book is essential for living a life with healthy relationships and boundaries.